Мне 38 лет. Я живу в солнечном и гостеприимном Таджикистане. Я совсем не писатель, я бухгалтер. Но с некоторых пор стремление к творчеству стало для меня таким же важным, как дышать.
Писать я начала недавно, в 2012 году. Мне и раньше нравилось излагать свои мысли на бумаге, но о том, чтобы писать рассказы я не думала. Получилось как-то само собой.
Мне нравится писать о людях и их взаимоотношениях между собой, особенно об отношениях между мужчиной и женщиной. Люблю наблюдать за незнакомыми людьми, и эти наблюдения позднее выливаются в мои литературные строки.
Каждая моя история – это как прожитая мною жизнь. В ней переплетаются фантазия и реальность, любовь и горе, радость и печаль. Мне хочется, чтобы мои рассказы затрагивали самые добрые и нежные струны души, чтобы они наполняли сердца моих читателей любовью и теплотой, вытесняя собой боль, разочарование и грусть.
Литературное слово должно созидать прекрасное, наполнять жизнь смыслом, делать людей открытыми друг другу, учить любить и творить.
I am 38. I live in sunny and hospitable Tajikistan. I’m not a writer at all, I’m an accountant. But for some time now the desire for creativity has become for me as important as breathing.
I started to write recently, in 2012. I used to express my thoughts on paper, but I’ve never thought about writing stories, it just sort of happened.
I like to write about people and their relationships with each other, especially about the relationship between man and woman. I like to observe strangers and later translate my observations into my literary writings.
Each of my stories is a kind of life I have lived. They intertwine fantasy with reality, love with grief, joy with sorrow. I want my stories to tug at the most kind and gentle heartstrings, so they fill the hearts of my readers with love and warmth, displacing pain, frustration and sadness.
Literary word should create the beautiful, fill life with meaning, make people open to each other, teach to love and create.
Перевод Zulfiko – Рассказ “Ты, ты, ты и еще раз ты“
You, you, you, and one more time, you …
What did I see in your eyes? Why do they beckon me? Why don’t they let me to have a calm and breath in your presence? Is this love? I don’t think so, but what is it then? You are here, but at the same time you are not… You don’t exist in my life… We are not friends, not lovers, not kith, but you exist… In my thoughts, in my dreams… Idiocy! A boy! Bauld and audacious, you have broken into my life and turned everything inside out!
I have everything: my job, my family – my husband and children. I have a hasteless life plan, which was established long ago: career, help to my husband in all things, children, their rearing and education. Everything is sort of clear. Was clear, until fairly recently… But you have come, mixed up everything and made it fall apart… And now, like a little girl, I blush, blanch and fear to make eye contact with you, so you just don’t notice and guess… Enough to make a cat laugh!
I have seen you in the crowd at a glance: you were DIFFERENT. Intelligent and meaningful look, without that impudent male component, which always looks below the neck. At that time, I have caught myself thinking that I want to touch your smooth and young cheek, touch your lips with my palm and hear you whisper «You’re mine…» Strange desires!
Phone is ringing. It’s from the Head Office, I need to go to the meeting. OK, I’ll consider my thoughts about you later.
I’m riding. It’s warm in the car, and outside it’s cold and disgustful. The snow under the wheels turned into slush, there are heaps of snow and mud on the roadsides. It’s sloppy and unpleasant. Quiet music gradually gets my thoughts out of here… It seems that everything that I had dreamed of in the beginning of my bank career came true: the position of branch manager in a bank last but not least countrywide, personal driver, elite social circle, etc. And, at that time, I was thinking that the bank is temporary, but something has made all decisions for me. But why my heart is so empty? Maybe all this is not mine? And what is mine then? Can 15 years be gone to waste?
Huh, we’ve arrived already? Damn, again I don’t have a chance to think of myself…
That’s what I thought: on the meeting, they have raised the deposit issue again. They say, we don’t appeal enough clients. They’ve blown my mind! Again, I had to make a smart face and speak a complicated terms language, so that those “know-all guys” who don’t know B from a bull’s foot in banking and fundamentals of modern economy silently swallow all this nonsense. Their pride won’t let them ask about something they didn’t understand. Therefore, there weren’t any questions, everybody was sitting with smart faces, and silently nodded to my “verbal labyrinth”. Ha ha ha! Score one for me! As usual, though. It’s even not interesting anymore… Why I don’t like even this anymore? All days are similar with previous days, there is no disturbance, no surges, strong emotions and passion. Is it the old age? Noooo, it’s not that, it is too early for the old age to come to my life. Is it wisdom? Well, sure, I became smarter, but did I become wiser… Midlife crisis? Quite possible, all the more, if we recall “unnecessary people” from the Russian literature before the revolution. They were approximately the same age as me, they looked for the meaning of life and could not remain in the crowd, they were just cruising for a bruising.
Again phone ringing, mobile this time. It’s the secretary. Someone needs a face-to-face contact with me. So, it doesn’t matter that 10 minutes has already passed from the beginning of the lunch-break? But it’s me who has made it a rule to never keep anybody waiting for myself. Well then, I’ll have the lunch later. I’ve flung to the driver «Lyosha, to the office!», he nodded silently. Good boy! He is never indignant and never argues, saving my mind that right now was melting after the meeting with the Board Members.
What? 20-15? Already? Good grief! The day has passed in high gear. I need to go home, and my strength gave out suddenly. It seems that when my brain saw that it is high time to take a rest, it decided not to wait for the signal from the boss, that is me, and has just switched the program. Okay, okay, don’t nag! Yes, I’ve overworked myself, not a big deal, tomorrow I’m going to leave earlier. Don’t you believe me? Oh, touche, I’m not believing it myself as well…
Oh, let me get back to my morning reflections, at least, they were pleasant. You, you, you, and one more time, you… What is it that you have and that doesn’t let me forget about your existence? You are younger than me by…. tooooo many years, I even don’t know to what extent, because we don’t know each other. To be more precise, we sort of know each other, but we don’t communicate, we just say hello and that’s it. You are our client. I would have never seen you if there wasn’t that emergency at the parking. Two drivers started to broil, and I had to come out. And here you are, in the hall, by the plastic cards section. One sight and I forgot why I walked down.
Then I’ve seen you one more time, when I got to work late. You were sitting at the hall and filling some papers. Again the same sight, and for a moment I had a feeling that it was me who you were waiting for… For a fraction of an instant, you had a twinkle in your eyes, but you immediately lowered eyes to your papers. Maybe it was a fancy? Huh, am I flattering myself? Poor fool!
Sooo, mirror mirror on the wall… Who’s the prettiest of them all? But the mirror, betrayer, replies: «It’s up to you to decide», and grins! All right, I’ll decide myself who I am. I’ve shaken my hair and looked at my reflection: the lady looked proud and majestic. The hair was flowing upon the shoulders in big blonde curls. The facial contours was accurate and delicate as before. Gentle and unpretentious make-up made the face look very romantic, but the eyes brought back to reality. They were too serious and determined. So how can it be in a different way? I was like that even at home, and my husband was laughing and grumbling that I am becoming a man in skirt. Maybe he’s right…
In short, I am pretty good. Maybe I was still right about your look? Because you know, I’ve seen that twinkle in your eyes once more. Yesterday, outside, nearby the bank. You were standing before the building and were sort of waiting for someone. I was coming back from the Town Hall. You said a short hello, as usual, but your look was not short as usual, it was longer for several seconds. I even had a rouse! But I remained imperturbable. Maybe my husband is right? Am I mutating?????
A ring. The secretary asks when I am going home. Already. That’s it, I need to pack my things. Lyosha is waiting. He also has to go home.
We’re riding. The road is slightly frozen. The car oversteers, but Lyosha is a good driver, I trust him. The music lulls. But suddenly… Dazzle light and brake squeak. Then there’s darkness…
I woke up in a white room. Why the room is so light? Uh, this is the ward. Silent voices. Someone has approached the bed. Nurse and a pair of eyes. It’s my husband. What happened to him? Red eyes, he was crying????
– My love, you okay? – Sasha is looking at me with in dismay. I haven’t seen him being so anxious before.
– I’m okay. What happened to Lyosha? – I’m speaking slowly and don’t recognize my voice.
– He is in intensive care, but now everything is all right. He had withstood surgery. Head injury – silently replies the nurse.
– What happened? – I ask.
– One idiot took the oncoming lane. He is at the police, he got off with nothing more than a fright. You have strong concussion, no injuries, – it’s my husband now.
I whisper: Thank God, everyone is alive, and I fall into darkness again…
Several days at the hospital, treatments, cure. It appears that it is so scary to realize that everything might have gone the other way… If only everything goes well with Lyosha! He is a good guy, his mother has just him. Sasha says that the doctors are very optimistic regarding his rehabilitation after the accident. And that upon discharge he can be my driver again. I gave an order to pay all costs from my funds. Alexey deserved that.
In the middle of fifth day, the nurse Lenochka came to the ward as usual. To give an injection and the pills. But instead, she holds me out a note: «Marina Leonidovna, you are kindly asked to go to the window» – she says guiltily. The note contains just some words written by an unknown hand: «You’re alive! I’m happy that you exist under the sun…»
I get up and go to the window. And there… Under the hospital windows stands HIM, the guy who perplexed my mind and thoughts. He stands and looks at my window embarrassedly… I look at him and recall the days before the accident and my thoughts about him. And what do I feel? I feel that this is the end. The end of this romance, which didn’t even start. There will be no continuation… The look of my Sasha, my husband, brought me back to reality. I won’t change him and my girls for anything. They are all that I have! And I won’t change my work either. I love it!
I return to the bed, feeling giddy. The doctor says that I will have to remain in bed for a couple more of weeks. Well, I will be in bed, if I have to. If only I do not see fear in the eyes of my home and beloved, if only they are happy, if only they are in my life…
«What should I tell to the note sender?» – Lenochka’s voice brings me back to the ward.
«Tell him that all shall be well with me, and… tell him that he doesn’t have to stay outside without a hat in such a cold weather, he can catch cold».
Life, family, work… What a monotony it is sometimes, you want passion, a tempest, a hurricane. And after them you realize that there is nothing more valuable than the warm presence of the family and a soft and cosy feeling inside of you, telling that this is what the happiness is…