Нурайым Солобаева

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Нурайым Солобаева (Кыргызстан)

Cтарший преподаватель Английского языка в Бишкекском Гуманитарном Университете, родилась в 1987 году В селе Чаек, Джумгальского района, Нарынской области. Замужем, мать одного ребенка.

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Everything has started from your eyes…

(essay of Jypara Isabaeva)

Translated by Nuraiym Solobaeva

 

Everything has started from your eyes…

I wouldn’t notice your eyes if I did not see the arcane and the depth in them. I don’t know the reason of my interest in your eyes. However, I spent whole my life in searching to see these eyes: The big eyes which can easily fool other eyes and the eyes which are full of love.

My heart missed a beat because of that look and since I tried to run away, to run from myself as if I wanted to take something white from my heart and throw it away while nothing could connect us with him; nothing was only the wall endless like the ray of the Sun. In order to pass it I would have to full and disappear like a water; to be lost and found like the thing; to cry and laugh and weep to overcome those suffering and gambling days! This is the unjust punishment from my destiny which is unknown for me even. But…who knows, maybe it was the gift from it?

 

Thus, I found my prince, whom I was waiting for long since I am adult, in this way!

I don’t know,

 

***

What is life alike? You said people are different … Once, my heart experienced a havoc in it!..

I guess, you do remember when you used to ask me question “Do you really think I am that much pure person? But I am not …” . I thought it was only the question proving your modesty and smartness… However, it was so vain for me to know the truth of it. Otherwise, I began to live happily after founding that pure and valuable thing which wa always on my palms. As for me you were the purest person among all people I knew…

Unfortunately, I couldn’t live with that belief in my heart…

Yes, you must be talented to be flexible in this life. But, why didn’t I realize that my love toward your beauty and modesty reflected that things all. Probably you didn’t realize your own unique qualities? One great philosopher who lived so long cried when he was dying and said that he is dying unhappy while he couldn’t see the real face of any person, he said that he was only trying to take the mask again and again, but, unfortunately no real face…

Poor philosopher! I thought he was right! But I am lucky that I saw his second face! You know, I was happy for that! I wanted to cry and weep at the same time!… Your words before departure: “you were a supportive thing for me during the hardest time. And I will give my debt one day” – you said. … But I couldn’t know what to say and just was staying as a pole. “Love is not chargeable! So I was completely ready to take my heart away and give it you, if only you ask me about it…”  So sad that you don’t know what is a real love for woman- it’s to be nearby the person she loves and care, give support…so upset…but you didn’t hear me, crazy me… It was so hard to find those eyes searching for love, I closed the tightly… Of course, I had to be happy only for being in real love that time! Only that moment helped me to see where you from were, you were from the fairytale.

 

***

 

Telephone calling…I was not even happy for that. But I saw your number: “Hello? What are you doing?”

Strong heart beat…for sure, mine! No words from me… it would be difficult for my heart to bear all from the beginning!

“Answer, please. Why are not you answering?”- You started to write sms. I remembered the days when I was ready to fly at any time toward you before. But not this time: “I have no time”- I replied. “Only the vary last time, please!…”

I couldn’t wait anymore. Was coming… But I got my first image- the image of cold and severe woman…I got off the bus and saw you in the bus stop- you were running in a clumsy way. You kissed into my cheek. That ice in my heart started to melt…but anyway, I tried to be proud and looked at him very nosy frosted. And you…you couldn’t find words because of my behavior.

I don’t know why, but the ice was completely melt and the Spring came to my heart again…

What is this?!

–Please, forgive me? Let’s begin everything from the new leaf? Please, I beg your pardon? – You said?!

I stared at you eyes. The same eyes…were looking at me…were lovingly stared at me…I started to weep…