Fyokla Guder

IMG_0886Когда мне было восемь, я читала в запой Жоржа Сименона его истории о Мэгре, в девять написала свой первый рассказ об осени в Париже (никогда не была во Франции). Когда мне было одиннадцать я взялась за Достоевского. Я восхищалась его книгами, они помогли мне по жизни понимать людей и их поступки. В пятнадцать это был Хармс, когда ты подросток, то очень полезно понять абсурдность жизни. В девятнадцать я учитывалась книгами про жизненные цели, самым сильным автором для является Ицхак Пентосевич. В 22 я открыла для себя Джоанн Харрис, в её книгах магия. В 24 я читала своему сыну сказки, он их любит на любом языке. В 28 для меня стал очень близок Гарсиа Маркес. У меня миллион мыслей в голове, и мне хотелось бы поделиться ими со всем миром.

When I was eight I read a lot of stories of George Simenon about Megre, and my first story was at nine about autumn in Paris (I’ve never been in France). When I was eleven I read a lot of Dostoevskiy’s books. I was admiring, they helped me to understand people and their behavior. When I was fifteen Harms was my favourite one, when you are teenager it is very helpfull to understand the absurdity of life. When I was nineteen I read books about goals and aims, the best author for me is Pentosevich. When I was twenty two my next step was Johanna Harris, her books are magical. When I’ve became twenty four I read tales for my son, he loves them much on different languages. On twenty eight Garcia Markes’ books added to my collections, they are very close to me right now. I have a lot of thoughts and I want to share them with the World.

Map of the World

I couldn’t see the sky; it was a total smog around me. Then I’d felt this smog inside me, my body and thoughts. Couple seconds later I was sure that I was dissolved like sugar in hot water; I became the part of this condition. I was in China.

I was almost like Johnny-cake. I’ve run away from my mother, my father, my ex-boyfriends, my unbearable rent apartment, low-paid work and from the war. I can only hope China is not a tricky fox.

I’ve made the rebranding of myself. I’ve changed my name, cut my long hair. I was getting rid of negative energy. And by the way I changed my values. Several years ago I thought that real estate is the best investment, and that it is very safe to keep your savings in bank. And that was my aim – to work, to buy the house and to save money, just like a part of American dream. The war changed my vision; it explained me that it was the fairy tale for fools like me.

Right now I’m happy I’m alive. My relatives are also in good health. We are homeless but at the same time I can say that the Earth is my home. And right now I am not chained, I am free. The war has cleaned my mind; it shows me how it’s necessary to enjoy ordinary things of daily life. This is the main reason why I’m here; I’ve decided to realize my dream, because tomorrow it can be late.

Right now I’m sure that the best investment is I: my health, my knowledge and my experience.

It was in “War and Peace”: Life just starts at 33. It’s all about me. Tolstoy was stylish man, just like lumberjack of our time.

I know exactly that nobody can run away from your own. I know that flapping of butterfly wings could stir up the ocean. The war wherever it happens is the problem of everyone in the world. You can’t say you don’t care about it, or it is far from you and it’s not your problem. You just can’t do this!

Now I’m sure that the peace is not a rule, peace is exclusion. I’m searching for my own peace; I think it’s inside each of us. This is the second reason why I’m here – in China. I don’t mean meditation or something like this, perhaps it is all about broad-mindedness. I’m eager to see not only black and white sides and primitively divide people and situations as good or bad. Just like in old parable “Never know what is good and what is bad”. If you don’t know it, I’ll tell you.

The old man bought the horse. The neighbor came and said:

  • You are so lucky, now you have a horse!
  • Nobody knows what is good and what is bad, – answered the old man.

One day old man’s son was riding the horse, failed and broke his leg. The neighbor came and said:

  • What a misfortune. Your son has broken his leg.
  • Nobody knows what is good and what is bad, – answered the old man.

Suddenly the war started. All young men went to fight except old man’s son, because his leg was broken. The neighbor came and said:

  • You are so lucky! Your son stays with you.
  • Nobody knows what is good and what is bad, – answered the old man.

The same story happened with me. I still don’t know whether it is good or bad, that the war in my country started, and that our house was destroyed and I was forced to start from the very beginning. I don’t know is it a good idea to come to China. But I’m happy, maybe this is the answer. I don’t know what is in future, but I know I’ll handle it. Perhaps my logical sequence sounds awful. It turns like: I’m happy because of the war. But the truth is much deeper; I don’t know where this chain of events and someone’s decisions started. And also I don’t know how, when and where it will be finished.

I know only what is happening right now. I’m a Ukrainian girl, who is sitting in Chinese street café, drinking Italian coffee, listening to American jazz and writing essay on English. I’m pretty sure that one day all the boundaries will disappear in minds, at first, and then on political map of the World.

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