Я, Туржан Онайгул, член Союза писателей Казахстана, автор 5-ти поэтических сборников, 2-х учебников для ВУЗ-а, 1 монография. Лауреат премии им.Т.Айбергенова по литературе, обладатель Гран-при республиканского литературного конкурса посвященный к 20-летию Независимости Казахстана среди 130 претендентов. Кандидат филол. наук, доцент кафедры «Теле/радиожурналистики и PR» Евразийского национального университета им.Л.Н.Гумилева. Перевела с русского на казахский язык «Психологические портреты» Стефана Цвейга, роман лауреата Нобелевской премии Воле Шойинка «Аке: Годы детства», «Сумерки богов» Зигмунда Фрейда, Г.Васильева «Сарыарка». Участвовала и выступила с докладоми на международных конференциях: в Праге (2010), Тегеране (2012), Борнмуте и Кембридже (Великобритания, 2013, 2014).
CONFESSIONS OF A LAZY PERSON
What forced you to pick up my text into your hands and begin reading? Have you really done it of your own accord? I am quite surprised. I bow my head to such a strong-willed person like yourself. Why? Because I am… I am a sloth, which is plain awful!
I was reading a book by German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche, and I came across a phrase that a person must conquer himself ten times a day. Upon learning this strategy, I sought to do the same. Even if I felt lazy, I would make an attempt to force myself to accomplish things that needed to get done. I was quite surprised at myself! All my errands were completed promptly, and within a day or two, I finished all the work that I had been dreading and postponing for an entire month.
The struggle with slothfulness is a kind of a war. There are different kinds of battles, and none are easy. For instance, from ancient times, the humans fought wars with each other. Sometimes they did not even fully understand why they were fighting each other. Nonetheless, the demand for wars is still high, and it continues to be costly. Thus, wars are both old and young. The wars that people wage internally to improve themselves and eradicate deficiencies do not require much money. But it can still be costly for one’s nervous system. However, the nervous system can have a tremendous power. I have no doubt that its power can be equal to the strength of an atomic bomb. This faith gave me a renewed appreciation for life. A bit of time thus passed since the beginning of this new era for my inner world. But inertia and laziness continue to tailgate me. They are unlimited. Like hunger, passivity pulls you from within and makes itself known everyday. Without its periodic tugs, life would have been so much easier. I was planning to wage precisely this kind of strenuous battle.
Someone wrote, “Stop the world, I want to get off.” The author seems to be an even bigger sloth than I am. True, the entire universe is full of suffering. And the author wanted to quit this domain. However much I was lazy, I still considered this universe to be my dear home. If I left it, where else would I go? One of the deficiencies of the information age is its inability to soothe. One positive effect of this inability is that everybody tries to seek and find a source of power from within. When I first started this search, my hope was different but so was my hopelessness. Poverty scared me, and I started thinking of escape. But the ancient law is that “fear” and “escape” are the beginning of a defeat.
I tripped over and fell. And then I got back up. It seems like a crisis shook up my inner world. I got up again, and then I fell again. I stood up on my feet again. It felt like a tsunami-like force has woken up in me to defeat the inertia.
Human being’s arrival to this world is the first crisis he or she experiences. I can’t remember who said this. Departing the warm nest of the belly and arriving into the cold and bright world seems to frighten the infant. It takes about forty days for the baby to negotiate and overcome this first crisis. But they say that this struggle helps the baby to adapt to life. To facilitate the process of this negotiation, the infant needs the sound of a lullaby and the warm embrace of the mother. The lullaby has the magic power to help the baby to overcome his initial fear and build up the base for trust in this world. In the same way, the motherly feeling towards my children helped me get over my own life crisis.
It is true that currently I have several million tenge in my possession. I have a private restaurant. I drive a nice car. Even then, in the struggle with my laziness, I had to use my house as a collateral in order to get a loan to start business. It is not easy to accept the bank’s terms but it got me the money. But this is not the same situation with my previous trader friend who could take back the goods I was unable to sell. If I didn’t fulfill my obligations with the bank, the situation would be a disaster. You’d even have to go to court. That’s how they explained it to me. Losing all sleep and asking my young children for help, I did my most to fulfill my obligations. The day when I came home after settling all the accounts, I was happy beyond measure. Following the saying, “If I tell you, you will cry, and I will cry,” I thought of my three kids–laboring all summer long, freezing in winter, and doing their best to help– and I got overwhelmed with emotion. That day I was the happiest person on Earth. I felt like kicking the ground and crying but this time from joy. Not because I earned a profit but because I got rid of my debt. My children were happy with the earnings, which were not insignificant. Thus, moving from one thing to the next, I have now become the person that helps others.
Somebody said, “If your conscience goes, your wealth goes too.” I do not limit my help. But I don’t want to aid the lazy. Because passivity does not become cured with the help of others. Plus, they may not be as stubbornly fighting the disease of passivity as I am. Neither the intellect of other people nor the writings of philosophers alleviated my situation. I still suffer from that same condition.
My moving force is my three children. When I look into their begging eyes, I speed up. I have realized that there is hardly another force more powerful than the mother’s love.
When you speak about children, I remember this case which happened to my ancestors. This grief is connected with the Soviet Union too. In 1930 on the Kazakh land there was a hunger. This hunger was made artificially as the newly made power began to take away cattle from rich and from people with middle-income. Then the people started running, wandering. Someone to Iran, someone to China. Many of them were overtaken by the Soviet militia and killed. Those who survived were returned, tormented and tortured. My ancestors – whole aul, ran in one night. They ran to Afghanistan. In total there were about 200 people. Among them were women, and aged men, and babies.
Organizers of movement – seniors, having brought all together delivered a scary speech: “Tonight we will leave, we will cross the border secretly through the river by several boats. Boats are ready. During transition nobody has to make a sound. If frontier guards hear, they will shoot at once. Therefore, we warn everybody in advance, especially those who has small children: if your child cries during transition through the river, don’t let him make a sound, suffocate at once, and throw the body into the river.
There is no other way. If you don’t make it, all of us will die. Frontier guards won’t look on anything. They will start scorching immediately. Let some children, than all of us will fall the victim”. And three children who woke up during crossing of the border died, the others safely crossed the border. I can’t justify those mothers, who with own hand killed the children, but also I can’t blame them, only it becomes sick, very sick in the heart. They are the victims of those times, that political regime. When I remember this case, I sit down silently and embrace my children. Tears come to my eyes. They look at me, without understanding what suddenly happened. And then I will be risen by spirit and speak to myself: well, why I live on this earth if I can’t support and adequately provide my children.
It is this power that makes me shift from one distance to another, conquer one pass after another. But, all the while, laziness continues to stay by my side. My drive travels along with my inertia, the carriage of life is thus moved along by two horses.
“A lazy person is a dead person,” somebody wrote. We know what is the dead person. Here I speak about biological death. After all, that the person has a spirit, only the dead can prove. And to be dead and live at the same time, can the lazy only. This theory was also thought up by me.
It always seems that any conversation about inertia is aimed at me.
Numerous books were written by prominent thinkers of the world on the subject of eradicating laziness. Very good texts. I read quite a few of them. I learned a lot.