Наталья Соловьева

Наталья Соловьева"А теперь пребывают сии три: вера, надежда, любовь; но любовь из них больше."

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is Love'.


Эссе "Allusion"

fragment

Love is patient

I had a dream. I remembered it for the whole life. The dream has come to me from Thursday to Friday. I learned in my childhood, that these are prophetic dreams.

Summer. The beginning of August.

The dream came true in a month. I fell in love with you not at once, some time later. I wanted to save you. Wanted to take all your pain again. May be I fell in love with you when felt your power and pain? Alas, power and pain always go together!

I fell in love with you some time later, but forever.

Forever.

Forever.

Forever.

God hears all my prayers for you.

I can’t understand: why me? Why God gave me the experience of eternal life? Thank you.

I wonder, will you recognize yourself in the book?

I can say thank you for our meeting only in such a way.

  1. Love is kind

Many moments remain in my heart after our relations, and I dare to remember them. Why ‘dare’? I cannot think about them very often for they bring sheer torture and a deep sweet sadness: the sadness crushes my soul with its frozen hand. There is no way out. It is still painful. A painful memory. You can even die.

It is such a pleasure to recollect your words addressed to me, questions that naked my soul, your gazes and advice.

As far as I can recall, you owe a conversation to me. Remember it, please. I wanted with all my heart to have the last conversation with you then. In that case, I would have been saved by you, by your healing words and the power of resuscitating look. You are in the answer for those who are tamed by you. Oh! What a great phrase! I am still waiting, waiting and always will be waiting for a dialogue with you. Always.

I was dying then; wasting away without you like a flower is fading without water. I remember fighting back a swarm of black, troublesome thoughts. They deafened me by a disgusting buzzing. ‘So, what will you do when everything is over?’ ‘So, what will you do when everything is over?’ ‘So…” Please, stop talking, I beg of you! Let me enjoy the present, let me live today.

I had a constant fear; I thought it was impossible to live without you. Did I come over that sadness? Perhaps. There is no sadness now.

Only gratitude remains for everything that has happened to me. I have never thought before that such things could happen.

I understand now – you realized everything, because I could not hide my feelings. I behaved in a sincere manner. Victor Tsoy once said: ‘We will be forgiven for our sincerity’. It is great that I know what sincerity means. May be thanks to that the greatest people treat me well.

Do you remember how we often met with our eyes and looked directly at one another? Eyes are mirrors of a soul. We were looking at the mirrors with the intention to find something we could not find for so long: for me it’s power, for you – frankness. Your eyes were shining; there was a fire in them.

I imagined myself at the ball: you and me dancing waltz in a beautiful castle. Only with you.

Once you said that there was no Light and you liked Darkness. You laughed in the face of the crowd surrounding me; you tempted us speaking about atheism, uselessness of Light. You exclaimed: ‘A man is miserable and there is no future for him!’

I believed you and began to go away from Light. I wanted to rise up to your level and I became cynical about everything and cruel in my attempts to that. I was saying awful things but I did not believe in what I was crying over and over again. I put under the question the Truth of human and divine existence. It seemed to me that I was becoming greater and stronger than anyone else was. “Truth has opened only for me!’ – I laughed.

Madness. Rage of Darkness. Abyss.

At the beginning, I did not notice how it is hard to live without Light. I could not live in Darkness. I stood on my knees and asked Darkness to be with you, have a conversation with you. However, after that… I was afraid that I was moving away from Light. It was difficult.

I put the burden, which I could not bear, on my shoulders. I realized you have noticed me only because of my sincerity and my Light; you would not have noticed me if I was another.

Light was not away. I betrayed Light. Nevertheless, Light forgave me as soon as I opened my soul again. A man is always blessed by Light. It is important to remember about it. A one should always return home.

III. It does not envy

I was always waiting for you. I was looking for kindness and tenderness, sincerity. I was betrayed. I stood up, wiped my blood and went on my Way. When I have met you, I could not believe in your sincerity and frankness. You see, I have not seen light for a long time and it was painful to look at you: it is like a man who has spent a half of life in prison and, in freedom, has to wear black glasses, because light makes him blind.

Light is his enemy, Darkness is a friend.

I was standing in front of you – arrogant, cynical and sarcastic. When you did not believe in my evil beginning, something inside me came to life.

The wound opened. I stared at you seriously. I opened my eyes and didn’t believe: was you playing or what? I did not want to be betrayed again.

I asked you tricky questions, tried to discover your soul, intentions and plans. I had just seen your openness to the world, optimism, love to life. Then I understood: I was tired. I was tired of being among those people. I realized that I had become the one of them. When had I become the one of them? There was no answer. For what sins you hadn’t come to me earlier? Why did you let my heart to stop beating in waiting hours? Where were you when I started to lose illusion about life, love, faith, friends and lovers? I was calling for you, but you did not hear. Where have you been?

Why have you come so late? Now I can return to Light in no way. I live on, when you are nearby. I go on thanks to your youth, laugh and smile. I see myself in you, my dreams and wishes, everything that didn’t come true and will never come true: look at me! I am young! See my soul. Do not believe my words, when they are sarcastic. See me behind the mask. Feel my truth. I was as you some time ago…

I wanted to hug you to my heart. My heart has not been beating for a long time. I know it would come to life when I felt the beating of yours: felt your hands on my shoulders.

God, where has she been before?

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